do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
