i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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