my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
