You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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