he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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