I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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