Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
