Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
