im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Is it because I queefed?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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