New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
