I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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