remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
