I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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