ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Randomize
