Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
