so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
