3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
