My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
