Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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