Soap is not a condiment
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
