i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Randomize
