I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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