I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
