Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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