If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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