I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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