I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
