Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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