if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
