I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
