your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
