my phone needs a breathalizer
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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