I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
