she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
