New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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