i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm getting married
To pizza
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
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