Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
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