I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
