There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize