If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
