I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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