so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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