Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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