How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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