I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Randomize
