no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
as a side note pls kill me
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
