how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
