we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
