The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Randomize
