My hand turned me down
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
