found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
‪Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best. ‬
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
