I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
