I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
