Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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