I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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