You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
