we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
