She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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